Recently I have been plagued by all sorts of obsessive thoughts, thinking out absurd consequences of every kind of scenario. I’m not sure, but it seems as though this kind of thinking and pessimism goes hand in hand with the social anxiety that I experience. The main themes of my thoughts recently relate to a fear of flying and a fear of dying (wow, sounds like a song lyric!).

It is so hard to deal with feelings and thoughts so irrational when you are completely aware of the fact that they are irrational, yet you cannot persuade yourself otherwise. This is exactly the same with fearing social situations and worrying about the way you seem to others.

Why can I not protect myself from my own thoughts?

As I have mentioned before, when I am having to maintain my relationship long-distance is when my anxiety levels are at their highest. I know I am strong on my own and can live independently of my partner, but for some reason being apart from him perhaps leaves me without the security that he creates for me. Not only this, but I constantly worry about whether he is OK, whether he has been in an accident, or anything completely ridiculous and extremely unlikely has happened to him.

All I seem to do is think, think, think.

Being on holiday was a great way of stopping myself. I would worry, worry about the flight home, worry about his flights, worry about driving in a foreign country etc. though I can usually find ways to distract myself from this worry, which I know is pointless and out of my control. I was also able to talk to people more easily, less distracted by how I was acting in front of them and by the feeling of wanting to leave any kind of awkward situation.

Now I am back, I am going through one of my ‘rough patches’. These occur quite frequently, but they are not constant. I may have a week or so, say after an ‘incident’ where I thought I acted wrongly and need time to get over that horrible feeling in my gut when I relive that moment a thousand times in my head. After that I usually feel a bit more ‘normal’ for a period. But right now even talking to my parents is hard.

I know it won’t be this hard forever, so I am just focusing on that. As for the obsessive thoughts, the most I can do is distract myself from them and focus on the future.

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